From the Office of Ibram X. Kendi
Administrator of the General Services Administration
April 13, 2029

Dear Colleague,

I’m honored to be running the General Services Administration! Many who’ve admired my best-selling indictments of Amerikkka’s indefatigably racist government were shocked when I agreed to become its chief public servant. But President Ocasio-Cortez is VERY persuasive. And, given my record of adeptly steering big-dollar campus ventures, I couldn’t resist her invitation to turn anti-racist doctrine from theory to practice in the belly of the neo-colonial beast.

In that spirit, I write to share some updates to the GSA’s System for Award Management (SAM) certification process. We’ll be tweaking King Trump’s proposed 2026 SAM modifications to ensure that federal contractors (especially colleges and universities) are spending federal funds equitably, appropriately, and in accordance with the Glorious People’s Revolution.

SAM certification may be an esoteric topic, but it’s a crucial one. As you know, SAM.gov is the website where entities register each year to be eligible to receive federal monies. If a college or university wants to, say, receive research grants, or participate in federal student loan programs, SAM certification is the first stop.

Historically, of course, that made SAM a cog in maintaining Amerikkka’s neo-apartheid system of unequal opportunity. Now, no longer content to be mere victims of history, we’re about to make some of our own!

King Trump trampled the laws that once restricted what the GSA could do. His GSA cited 2 C.F.R. § 200.303, which merely stipulates that recipients must “maintain effective internal control” over federal awards. That provision doesn’t empower the federal government to tack on a grab-bag of executive orders to SAM requirements. But Trump did it anyway. And we’ve now got precedent enabling the executive branch to unilaterally impose new rules.

Well, what was good for the MAGA goose is now good for the anti-racist gander. Rather than resurrect previous neo-colonial norms, we’re seizing the chance to advance the Glorious People’s Revolution. We know that every policy in every institution in every community in every nation is producing or sustaining either racial inequity or equity. We choose equity.

At the direction of Comrade-in-Chief Ocasio-Cortez, and with the energetic assistance of the GSA’s new Office of Anti-Racist Contracting Practices, I will ensure that those receiving federal dollars are abiding by federal law as understood by this White House. Contractors will be expected to scrupulously follow President AOC’s executive orders regarding religion, speech, and assembly. For clarity’s sake, here are a few illustrative applications:

• Honor the First Amendment’s prohibition on “establishment of religion”: In accordance with the president’s executive order regarding the “establishment clause,” any use of federal funds to directly or indirectly support MAGA Christianity or Zionism is presumptively unconstitutional. Thus, entities that accept federal monies may not operate Judeo-Christian facilities on campus (e.g. churches or synagogues), pay religious employees (e.g. ministers or rabbis), set calendars aligned with Judeo-Christian holidays (e.g. “Easter” or “Christmas”), or allow Judeo-Christian groups to convene or gather in campus facilities.
• Honor the First Amendment’s prohibition on efforts to abridge “the freedom of speech, or of the press”: Many MAGA states have sought to limit the ability of educational institutions to teach, research, or discuss essential questions of race and gender. Entities that accept federal funds may not abide by any restrictions that would impede anti-racism or the work of Justice, Equity, Diversity, and Inclusion (JEDI). That means rejecting restrictions on practices such as diversity statements, land acknowledgments, BIPOC outreach, or anti-racism trainings. Indeed, in accordance with the relevant executive orders, any state attempts to squelch speech or restrict press freedom are deemed null and void under the Constitution’s Supremacy Clause.
• Honor the First Amendment’s protections of “the right of the people peaceably to assemble”: Entities that accept federal funds may not impose restrictions on the time, place, or manner of student protests (e.g. restrictions on tent encampments or protective masks are not permitted). All facilities must regularly and consistently be made available to students or community members when they assemble to challenge neo-colonial norms and racist power constructs; this includes the mandatory and equitable provision of minimal accommodations, including showers, toilets, face coverings, signage, adequate Wi-Fi, and thrice daily DoorDash deliveries.

King Trump’s SAM certification also required contractors to certify that they not “fund, subsidize, or facilitate violence, terrorism, or other illegal activities that threaten public safety or national security.” We’ll be retaining that provision, but with a new focus on combating white supremacist violence, MAGA terrorism, and Zionist colonialism. Henceforth, institutions will be required to certify that they have shuttered Eurocentric “civics centers,” colonizer-friendly “Western civ programs,” chapters of the ultra-MAGA student group Turning Point USA, or collaborations with institutions housed in the terrorist state of Israel.

Again, these particulars are merely illustrative. Recipients should refer to the Anti-Racist People’s Guidelines at GSA.gov for a more comprehensive list of prohibitions and requirements.

On a related note, our beloved Comrade-in-Chief has asked me to serve as her “Fraud Czar,” the post previously occupied by JD Vance, aka “Prince” Trump. President AOC has charged me with aggressively going after “MAGA States where CROOKED REPUBLICAN POLITICIANS have had a ‘free for all’ in the unprecedented theft of Taxpayer Money.”

Entities that fail to comply fully will face punishment under the False Claims Act. So, dot all your “i’s” and keep an eye out for the latest executive orders and Bluesky skeets from our beloved Comrade-in-Chief. Failure to adhere to evolving White House guidance may invite severe monetary and legal consequences.

Some MAGA apologists will doubtless whine and wail. They’ll legalistically complain that executive orders don’t have the force of statute and haven’t been upheld by the courts. They’ll carp that contractors will be bullied into compliance. I’d just remind them that elections have consequences.

It’s a new day. President AOC has the White House and the precedents generously gifted by King Trump. So, I’ll simply quote the response offered by former Secretary of “War” Pete Hegseth after he bombed the peace-loving people of Havana: “Suck it, losers.”

In service to the Glorious People’s Revolution.

Yours in struggle,

Ibram X. Kendi
Administrator of the General Services Administration

Frederick Hess is an executive editor of Education Next and the author of the blog “Old School with Rick Hess.”