From the Office of Rachel Maddow
United States Secretary of Education
Oct. 6, 2029

Dear College President,

I hope you’re having as much fun as I am during this wild stretch as your U.S. Secretary of Education. And things are about to get even better!

Today I’m pleased to extend an invitation to join the Ocasio-Cortez administration’s new “Education Zone for Excellence and Equity”—henceforth to be known as the Platinum-Plus EZPass^TM for federal postsecondary funding. Modeled on the “Compact for Academic Excellence in Higher Education” that the Trump administration rolled out in October 2025, the EZPass^TM is updated, improved, and includes a fantastic suite of ALL-NEW features!

Some of you may have missed your chance to join President Trump’s “Compact” four years ago. At the time, my predecessor and two senior White House officials sent a 10-page letter to college leaders asking them to promise their institutions would adopt a five-year tuition freeze, require a test for admissions, combat grade inflation, cap international enrollment, protect right-wing speech, and more. Signatories were promised priority access to both federal funds and administration officials.

We’re taking that core idea and fine-tuning it in the EZPass^TM to ensure that the conditions are serving the interests of all Americans and not just dark-money oligarchs.

Here are the half-dozen commitments that colleges will need to make if they wish to join the “Compact for Postsecondary Excellence and Equity” and get the perks of EZPass^TM membership:

• Guarantee a Tuition-Free Education for All Working- and Middle-Class Students. (We’ll be seizing the assets of the oligarchs to cover any shortfalls.)
• Invest in Mental Health and Student Support Services. (The administration prioritizes culturally competent mental health services as well as student wellness, food security, and housing stability.)
• Defend Academic Freedom from Political Interference. (We reject directives that interfere with teaching race, gender, climate change, and the truth about American history.)
• Promote Labor Rights for Campus Workers and Adjunct Faculty. (It’s essential to support unionization efforts while taking steps to ensure fair wages, benefits, and working conditions.)
• Advance Equity in Admissions and Campus Life. (Time to eliminate our test and GPA obsession in favor of holistic admissions practices that promote inclusive, equitable access.)
• Make Colleges Climate Leaders. (Let’s leverage campus resources to create climate action plans, divest from fossil fuels, and lead on sustainability education and innovation.)

You may be wondering, “What does it take to join the Platinum-Plus EZPass^TM program?” It’s as easy as 1-2-3. First, any president browbeaten into signing Trump’s compact just needs to disavow that decision and unwind any policy changes. Second, fill out the online form (or have ChatGPT do it for you—we don’t care). Third, sit back and enjoy the PERKS.

Believe me, you won’t want to miss those perks! As it was under the Trump administration, institutional leaders who sign up will get priority access to White House events and discussions with officials. We’ll also throw in “Keeping It Cozy with AOC” fleeces for your leadership team and a personal invite to my monthly “alphabet soup” lunch with the NEA, AFT, AAUP, ACLU, and AG Mamdani. And you might want to announce that all federal student debt is forgiven for your current and former students, as President Ocasio-Cortez is preparing an executive order that will forgive all loans for anyone who attends or has attended an EZPass^TM institution.

“This is too good to be true!” you must be gasping. Well, straighten your tams and hold onto your tassels, there’s still more. The dozen campus leaders who most effusively demonstrate their enthusiasm for President AOC’s agenda will be invited to a special “Celebrating Higher Ed’s All-Stars” dinner with the president and her top donors (think Trump crypto dinner—but BETTER!). The first twenty research institutions to roll out a climate plan approved by my office will get access to a special day-long “working session” with the research impresarios at the Department of the Interior, Department of Energy, and the National Science Foundation. Signatories will also be invited to be part of our “National Civic Engagement” strategy, featuring White House confabs with Bluesky influencers and a chance at special competitive grants for mission-aligned voter registration and mobilization.

I want to be very clear: This is nothing more than your friendly Department of Education extending an open hand. No one should think I’m trying to “make an offer you can’t refuse,” because that’s just wrong. But see, you got a nice little university there, and it would be a shame if something happened to it. Indeed, as my predecessor, former Secretary Linda McMahon, put it to college presidents four years ago, “Institutions of higher education are free to develop models and values other than those below, if the institution elects to forego federal benefits.”

In AOC’s America, this is what democracy looks like. Now, it’s time to get with the program.

Warmly,

Rachel Maddow
U.S. Secretary of Education

Frederick Hess is an executive editor of Education Next and the author of the blog “Old School with Rick Hess.”